Frustrated

I was supposed to go see my therapist on Saturday and did not get out of bed to go. This is not ideal. He is out of town all this week so no therapy until next week some time.

I know I’m dipping into the depression side of my Bipolar again. I can feel it sucking my energy and interest in anything and everything out. Have I said that I fucking hate Bipolar. I mean even if you took my diagnosis away. It wreaks havoc on anyone who has to deal with it. Whether it be the patient or the family and friends and care givers.

My daughter was researching Serial Killers for fun this weekend. She gets interested in some strange stuff but at least it is somewhat educational. She had to learn new words and use research tools. She was telling me about some of the info she got on a couple of them and it was interesting to me the turmoil they had as kids relating to them killing people. My father thinks that psychiatry is bullshit and people should suck it up and things like that. It humors me to think that we now treat these kids who have these traumas in their childhood and I would think stop many from becoming Serial killers by doing so. I mean people still kill people and go on mass shootings. I feel that is more impulsive than what a serial killer does. They pick victims strategically usually and torture them in some way or another. Idk. Kind of yucky talk before bedtime but just something that makes me go hmmm.

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Trial of classical music

Piano guys was too upbeat and made me feel more anxious than I was. I picked some slower, more low key stuff but I think I was beyond the point of it helping.

I also tried listening to rain and thunderstorms. It helped bring it down from 8 to 5. But I still couldn’t get comfortable.

I am nauseated, feel like my skin is crawling, head hurts along with my back, chest feels like creepy crawlies are in it. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT!!!!!!  Took Klonopin to help slow it down. Waiting for results.

Stupid f***ing anxiety!

Fell asleep without taking my damn meds last night and so I woke up too late to take them, thus causing me to sleep like crap the rest of the night and I would assume tribute to me being >7 anxiety level for 98% of my day. Had to take Klonopin twice to make it thru work. HATE IT! 

I am at a 7.5 right now and I’m getting ready to lay in bed and use classical music to try to bring my anxiety down. Another from my list made at the therapist’s office. Hopefully this will cause me to sleep and I will document the effectiveness in the morning. Fingers crossed. 🎼🎻🎹🎶

Trial of favorite TV show

As I said in my post earlier, I was supposed to trial the things that help me decrease my anxiety. I used watching an episode I haven’t seen of one of my favorite TV shows. Anxiety to start was at a 6. Watched Greys Anatomy new episode. Anxiety down to a 2. But once I am no longer fully engrossed in the show my anxiety came back up to a 5.  So it works for a short term but has no long lasting effects.

Try again today

Soooo…  Obviously I have not caught on to the every day thing yet. But I can continue to try. Saw my therapist today. Talked about ways/things that help me be less anxious. Discussed using one technique a day and then writing in here how it helped. Like if it took my anxiety from a 7 down to a 4 or whatever. I am willing to try this. I think documenting what is working will help me know what to use when. So hopefully I will post later what I used and how it worked. Gonna try to start putting positive quotes on here too.

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Continuing moving forward

My original title was going to be Starting over. But that’s not what I’m doing. There was no finish. No end. Just a bump in the road that is quickly being taken care of so that I may Continue moving forward.

I stopped writing on here a long while ago. I also had stopped seeing my therapist back in December. I got a new job working 7-3 5 days a week. I was feeling good and doing good and thought I had my life and mental illness under control. This is where the slap in the face comes in. I just spent 9 days in an Inpatient Psych hospital related to cutting on myself again and having Suicidal thoughts. Damnit. I thought I was done with this shit.

The storm had been brewing for a while now. Like I said, I quit seeing my therapist in December and took a high stress job with good hours. I took a job as a Psych R.N.  I was previously an ICU R.N. and quit that because I was burnt out and needed a break. The break ended up being me unemployed from June to December. Part by choice. Part by not being able to find a job I was willing to do at the hours I needed. So I guess again that was a choice. So I took this Psych job thinking that the good hours would make up for the stress of the job. Also, being as that I have Bipolar disorder and I have experience being inpatient I thought I’d be perfect for the job. To be honest, I do really well at my job. I’m empathetic and sympathetic. I care about the patients and what goes on.  I also have some pretty awesome coworkers who keep me entertained.

So I knew I was having worsening anxiety since February. I have been to my Psychiatrist several times since then and adjusted my meds and was not having a lot of success with that. It got to a point where I was having constant thoughts of self harm all day and could not slow my mind down. 2 weeks ago I cut again. After almost 2 years of not. I continued to go to work like nothing was happening and Monday night on the way home from work I kept having thoughts to shoot myself. After spilling my guts to my sister on Tuesday she convinced me to go to the hospital and I was admitted. Now, it was the WORST hospitalization I have ever had and has actually made me feel more anxious and angry more so than anything, but I needed to be kept safe. So I did my days and got out. My FMLA is not being approved b/c I haven’t worked there long enough so I can’t continue with outpatient and so I will return to work tomorrow, like it or not. I can not go without being paid. This being said, I have set up follow up appts with my therapist and Psychiatrist.

So now I just have to continue moving forward. Brush this off my shoulders and continue fixing my meds. Make sure I don’t stop following up again. Get out of the toxic household I am in. Perfect example of why I can not live with my parents:  I tell my mother my FMLA was denied so I have to go back to work and don’t get to do outpatient. 2 hours later she asks if I can chip in some money for groceries. No. No I can’t. I just told you I went a week without getting paid. She whines that she has less than $100 to buy groceries with this weekend.  My though is Well I guess we will eat what is in the freezer and pantry then won’t we???  Another example from today:  7 out of the 8 people living here at my parents are sitting at the dinner table eating dinner. Light conversation and such and then my dad makes a (he thinks funny) comment about how he will just slit his wrist and pretends to do so with a butter knife.  I slam my fork down. Tell him that’s not funny. He says he was just joking about such and such and I tell him again that it isn’t funny. Not at all. I then get up from the table and walk away. He does not talk to me for the rest of the evening. Its probably better he doesn’t. The apartment hunt is on in full force. The financial part of it sucks but the mental health benefits of moving outweigh that.

Going to try to keep doing this nightly if I can. We will see.

Knock knock

Knock knock. Hello. Its me again. Your anxiety calling from within. You’ve tried to ignore me. Tried to deal. Tried to use all your fancy techniques. 

Knock knock. Hello. Its me again. I’m still here. From in that dark closet. I was able to pick the locks again. Hope you don’t mind. I was missing being able to run freely in your brain. Those meds you take sure slowed me down but I’m a fighter. Wouldn’t want to leave you sleeping safe and sound.

Knock knock. Hey!  Didn’t you just get paid?  Let’s go shopping with some friends!  Oops.  My bad. That was the rent money again.

Knock knock. Hey yeah its me again. Are you sure you don’t want to drink?  I mean taking one or two more of those can’t possibly do what you think. You’ll feel better. You’ll be happy. What could possibly go wrong? 

Knock knock. Why are you ignoring me?  Was it something that I’ve said?   I just thought maybe we could consider what it would feel like to be dead…  Well if you don’t want to die then surely we can make a deal. You cut and scratch and burn yourself and I’ll reset your head. Trust me this has worked before don’t you remember last time?

Long time…

I stopped using this app. I left it on my phone and stopped thinking about it. I felt better. I didn’t feel like I needed it anymore. I was better…….  My medications got missed due to my own and the pharmacy’s fault. I haven’t had my right pills in almost a week. I’m not better right now. I want to hurt myself
badly. I want to drive my car into concrete. I want to take those extra pills. I want to make me hurt. This makes me angry and upset and remind

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s me I am not better. I am on meds. I need my meds. I am scary bad off my meds. I got my meds back today and can take them now.

I want this to remind me how bad it feels. How badly I want to hurt when the meds aren’t there. Can’t keep doing this.

Screams in the dark…paid for!

I like Haunted Houses. I am lucky to live in an area that loves them too. There are many to choose from. Ranging from child friendly and cheap mazes to nightmarishly scary and pricy. I like the later. But for the past several years I haven’t had anyone to go with. Mom, sister, daughter all hate them.  Dad is anti-people. So when my sister called me today and said that her current boyfriend mentioned that he liked haunted houses also, I jumped at the chance. 

Now, the thought of going thru a scary place with my sister’s bf is weird. But hey, you gotta take what you can get in this family.

So we discussed and bought tickets and went to 2 haunted houses that were close together tonight. Let me tell you, it doesn’t matter who’s in front of you when you enter a completely dark place where people jump out at you, you will grab that person’s hand and stay close to them.

1st place was awesome by my standards. Complete darkness. I jumped, screamed, startled, and blindly felt my way through it. The actors were great and fun. The 2nd would have been scarier had we went there first. It was very animated and things popped out of the wall moreso instead of actors. I’m not scared of a plastic alligator, or the floor vibrating, or a room full of plastic heads or dead bodies hanging from the ceiling.

We had fun. Came back and he was trying to convince my sister to go. Haha. Good luck bud. The last time I got her in a haunted house she had a panic attack less than a minute in and chickened out and left me to go alone.

Wholly Lady Gaga butt Batman!

American Horror Story Hotel…  Wow. The first episode was intense. The ass on that Gaga…woof. I am intrigued to keep watching. Giving Sarah Paulson a character she can go crazy with, awesome.

In other TV news:

Project Runway is getting to the end.  Tim Gunn has not used his save yet so one would assume it has to happen next time?…  Glad to see lazy ass Swapnil go home.

Code Black. Yes Please. I love the Momma and the Daddy thing. Being a R.N. I completely enjoy this show. 

I feel like a gossip columnist but I have no one to talk to about these things but you all. So feel free to discuss with me.