She was sweet and innocent. Came in after school; excited for the 3 day weekend. Told me how she had talked to the boy who is taking her to homecoming and a different boy called her pretty today. Today was a good day. Lower levels of self doubt and self consciousness in my child make me a happy mommy.
I wasn’t in a bad mood, just “blah” or “existing” as I usually describe it. Then my child said, “Hey Mom, What are we going to this weekend?” I smiled at her and gave her one of my “I don’t know yet” lines when the voice in my head is screaming (in that low Gollem voice) “NOWHERE!!!” I take note of the voice and ask her where she would like to go. She lists a few ideas as the voice in my head ticks off reasons why we can’t do those things…too hot, too expensive, but mainly it keeps saying “Leave the house? Are you kidding me?” Letting me know that my ever present anxiety and depression have set up camp for this conversation. I tell my daughter we can male up our minds tomorrow. Maybe rent a movie. She suggests taking the 2 dogs to the park…anxiety is choking my throat…sure we can think about that. We finish our conversation on the “let’s see what happens” note that she is unsatisfied with.
I retreat into my mind to quiet the natives…deep breath…”you like going out with her”…stretch…”if you don’t do anything she will be upset”…keep breathing…promise myself I WILL take her somewhere even if my brain is left kicking and screaming… I refuse to let a disease tailor my actions. I can conquer my anxiety. I have the skills necessary.
Updates on the weekend to follow!