My original title was going to be Starting over. But that’s not what I’m doing. There was no finish. No end. Just a bump in the road that is quickly being taken care of so that I may Continue moving forward.
I stopped writing on here a long while ago. I also had stopped seeing my therapist back in December. I got a new job working 7-3 5 days a week. I was feeling good and doing good and thought I had my life and mental illness under control. This is where the slap in the face comes in. I just spent 9 days in an Inpatient Psych hospital related to cutting on myself again and having Suicidal thoughts. Damnit. I thought I was done with this shit.
The storm had been brewing for a while now. Like I said, I quit seeing my therapist in December and took a high stress job with good hours. I took a job as a Psych R.N. I was previously an ICU R.N. and quit that because I was burnt out and needed a break. The break ended up being me unemployed from June to December. Part by choice. Part by not being able to find a job I was willing to do at the hours I needed. So I guess again that was a choice. So I took this Psych job thinking that the good hours would make up for the stress of the job. Also, being as that I have Bipolar disorder and I have experience being inpatient I thought I’d be perfect for the job. To be honest, I do really well at my job. I’m empathetic and sympathetic. I care about the patients and what goes on. I also have some pretty awesome coworkers who keep me entertained.
So I knew I was having worsening anxiety since February. I have been to my Psychiatrist several times since then and adjusted my meds and was not having a lot of success with that. It got to a point where I was having constant thoughts of self harm all day and could not slow my mind down. 2 weeks ago I cut again. After almost 2 years of not. I continued to go to work like nothing was happening and Monday night on the way home from work I kept having thoughts to shoot myself. After spilling my guts to my sister on Tuesday she convinced me to go to the hospital and I was admitted. Now, it was the WORST hospitalization I have ever had and has actually made me feel more anxious and angry more so than anything, but I needed to be kept safe. So I did my days and got out. My FMLA is not being approved b/c I haven’t worked there long enough so I can’t continue with outpatient and so I will return to work tomorrow, like it or not. I can not go without being paid. This being said, I have set up follow up appts with my therapist and Psychiatrist.
So now I just have to continue moving forward. Brush this off my shoulders and continue fixing my meds. Make sure I don’t stop following up again. Get out of the toxic household I am in. Perfect example of why I can not live with my parents: I tell my mother my FMLA was denied so I have to go back to work and don’t get to do outpatient. 2 hours later she asks if I can chip in some money for groceries. No. No I can’t. I just told you I went a week without getting paid. She whines that she has less than $100 to buy groceries with this weekend. My though is Well I guess we will eat what is in the freezer and pantry then won’t we??? Another example from today: 7 out of the 8 people living here at my parents are sitting at the dinner table eating dinner. Light conversation and such and then my dad makes a (he thinks funny) comment about how he will just slit his wrist and pretends to do so with a butter knife. I slam my fork down. Tell him that’s not funny. He says he was just joking about such and such and I tell him again that it isn’t funny. Not at all. I then get up from the table and walk away. He does not talk to me for the rest of the evening. Its probably better he doesn’t. The apartment hunt is on in full force. The financial part of it sucks but the mental health benefits of moving outweigh that.
Going to try to keep doing this nightly if I can. We will see.