Still here

I have not fallen PFF the face of the earth. I have had a little rough patch and I tend to get quiet when I’m in the dark. I have lots to talk about, but for now I just want to say Good Night.

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Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep…

Do you have Nightmares?  Do things go bump in your night?  What about Night Terrors?  Do you wake up in a panic?  I do.  Almost every night involves some sort of vivid, anxiety provoking dreams.  Some are scary. Others are so terrifying that they possess my whole mind and body.

I had so many Nightmares and Night Terrors last night I feel I must have been Hallucinating. At one point I couldn’t get myself to open my eyes because I was convinced a masked man, clad in all black, was standing over me with a machete pointed straight down, ready to pierce through my heart if I moved or opened my eyes.  Another had me running down the hall from my room after I was convinced I heard someone breaking in and my daughter yell, “PaPa!!!”  I found my daughter sound asleep.  The dogs waking briefly to give me a quizzical look.

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As a person with a Mental Health Disorder (Bipolar) I felt the need to investigate this to prove to myself that I wasn’t slipping further down the rabbit hole.

Night Terrors are supposed to be rare in adults.  Unfortunately, a 1999 study by Dr. Maurice Ohayon confirmed that people with Bipolar Disorder that have depression and anxiety attributes (ex. Myself) had these Terrors on a more frequent basis.  The International Bipolar Foundation reports that Nightmares also occur more commonly with Bipolar.

I found that people with Bipolar Disorder have reported bizarre dreams with death and injury themes occurring more commonly before their shift to mania.  Those with Bipolar with rapid cycling may have a shift in the content of their dreams prior to noticing a change in their affect or behavior.(“Reinterpretation of Dreams” by A. Revonsuo).

Bipolar Disorder can lead to a number of sleep disturbances. From Insomnia (unable to sleep), to Hypersomnia (sleeping too much), to a decreased need for sleep (Insomnia without tiredness), to REM sleep abnormalities (causing dreams to be vivid and bizarre)(WebMD.com).  I’d like to mention that I have had all of these but Hypersomnia has plagued me since I was 16.  Doctors have drawn labs and even after a sleep study resulting in a CPAP that I use regularly, I am exhausted ALL THE TIME.  I have tried all measures to assist in helping this and continue to seek an answer.

Please, I encourage any and all comments and helpful hints.  Maybe together we can find an answer.

Til it Happens to You

I just came across a blog that I unfortunately can not find again talking about Lady Gaga’s new music video/song “Til it Happens to You.” The video addresses campus rape and how it is so horribly stereotyped and under reported. I wanted to help spread the message so I linked the video here https://youtu.be/ZmWBrN7QV6Y

Please share and educate against this epidemic.

Sleepless Nights

Accidental they said. Gone long before the sun rose its rays onto the bone chilling morning.

Weeks before. Throwing the gallons of glass to the trash man. Jim was always his favorite. Watching the smoke rise from the cigarettes. Dump the remains from the sleepless night before. Only to find it full again. 

Had it this time. One more try. One month chip!  Not another day…  Slipping back faster. Sore arm. More lies.

Days of lies and saving lives. Smiles and laughter. See you tomorrow.

Coming home to an empty house full of unseen nightmares. Too much glass. Too much smoke. Up all night. Choices made, not to be undone. 

There was no tomorrow is what they said. No matter how many calls or messages left. Couldn’t be saved. Nothing to do. Gone before the sun. Before anyone knew.

No more glass and no more smoke. No more smiles and jokes. No Good Morning hugs.  No see you later. 

All that’s left now is the tears and searing pain. As I am left here still cleaning up, a sleepless nights remains.

Sleepless Nights

Accidental they said. Gone long before the sun rose its rays onto the bone chilling morning.

Weeks before. Throwing the gallons of glass to the trash man. Jim was always his favorite. Watching the smoke rise from the cigarettes. Dump the remains from the sleepless night before. Only to find it full again. 

Had it this time. One more try. One month chip!  Not another day…  Slipping back faster. Sore arm. More lies.

Days of lies and saving lives. Smiles and laughter. See you tomorrow.

Coming home to an empty house full of unseen nightmares. Too much glass. Too much smoke. Up all night. Choices made, not to be undone. 

There was no tomorrow is what they said. No matter how many calls or messages left. Couldn’t be saved. Nothing to do. Gone before the sun. Before anyone knew.

No more glass and no more smoke. No more smiles and jokes. No Good Morning hugs.  No see you later. 

All that’s left now is the tears and searing pain. As I am left here still cleaning up, a sleepless nights remains.

Sinking…sinking…

I have come to the realization that I am indeed sinking again. I tried my hardest to ignore the self harm thoughts knock  knocking in my brain.  Telling myself to just keep moving forward; ignoring the intrusive thoughts. But a few well placed words from my parents this past week and I feel that downward tug getting stronger. Missing appointments. Avoiding. Non stop sleeping. Thoughts of those few extra pills to make sure I sleep EXTRA well tonight. Tempting fate… 

Time to check in again.
Time to reevaluate the real situation.
Time to make sure this sinking stops here.

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“Foosball is for the Devil Bobby Bucher!”

If you aren’t familiar with the movie The Waterboy starring Adam Sandler, you need to be. It makes me laugh each time I watch it. For some quotes from the film see here http://www.angelfire.com/mi3/christineh/waterboy.html
I only mention this because my child and I attended the Homecoming Football Game for her school this evening. We won!!!  The waterboy for our team is indeed an interesting character.  The band was great.  I found out I’m a yeller… 

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A squirrelly concept

I was reading my followed blogs this morning and across this post.

Squirrel Should Be Squirrely – http://wp.me/pHKER-1aV

It talks about how squirrels usually run away in the presence of humans and that’s what’s expected of them. And if they don’t then we worry that they are sick or hurt.

It struck me that we treat humans like this too. We are a wash, rinse, repeat society for the most part.  We like it when our “squirrels” stay in line and don’t Go Nuts… 😉 If someone acts in a way that is not common place for a “squirrels” of this day and age we stare and judge. Wondering why this one is not acting squirrelly enough or too squirrelly.  Test and poke and prod and medicate until that “squirrel” can act like the others.  What if that squirrel, patiently waiting for the human to pass instead of running, is the evolved one…

Using nature to nurture

Over the weekend I went out of town and was able to spend some time in nature. Normally I’m not the outdoorsy type considering I dislike bugs, grasses and such make me itchy, and I get hot easily. Saturday where I was happened to be 58 degrees, I was wearing pants and short sleeves, and there were not many bugs around to speak of other than butterflies.

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So my daughter and I and then I alone ventured into the forest and caught some amazing images.

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We were staying near a lake so of course we walked along the coastline.

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We found this opening in the trees quite a ways down a path. It has a circle of rocks surrounded by a circle of trees encompassed in super green moss.

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We also saw a multitude of wildlife.
Deer:

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Turkey:

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Even skunks:

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It was so refreshing and relaxing to have all these beautiful sites around me. Flooding my senses with positive,  quiet surroundings. We finished our night with a campfire.

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One of my best days in recent history.